Nothing’s Shocking – Bike Snob NYC

Further to yesterday’s post, a number of you felt I did indeed make a mistake by returning the Litespeed:

Honestly, I’m not sure why that is. Apart from riding beautifully, being really light, looking like it just came out of the shop yesterday even though it’s like 25 years old, and of course boasting perhaps the finest integrated shifting drivetrains ever produced, it really had nothing much going for it.

Oh shit, I really did make a mistake, didn’t I?

Fuck it, maybe there’s still time, I’m going out to lie in front of the UPS truck:

Just kidding:

No, I’m comfortable with my decision. For one thing I’M A BIG BOY AND I DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL. (I’m not yelling at you, I’m yelling at myself, because maybe if I yell loud enough I’ll actually believe it.) For another, I’ve got this:

As a road bike it’s everything the Litespeed is, plus it fits gravel tires. Also, to be completely honest, I’m too much of a dirtbag for a fancy titanium road bike–even one that’s over 20 years old. And again, I’ll remind you that if you really want it I’m sure Paul at Classic Cycle would be happy to sell it to you. I even upgraded the pawls in the Ksyriums!

There was nothing at all wrong with the old ones, but I read that the cause of the dreaded Mavic Death Squeal was that the pawls wear down and the debris degrades the bushing or something ridiculous, and that to prevent it you upgrade the pawls to the harder ones from the mountain wheels or something. So that’s what I did, even though the bushing was just fine. Because I’m neurotic.

As for my brace of Italian road bikes, I stand by those as well:

I love the Cervino for the way it rides and the way it looks, but I also love it because the snooty types don’t even look at it because they see the “Nishiki” decal and the exposed cables and they think I’m riding an old 10-speed I got off Craigslist and not an Italian classic with Super Record:

[Via Craigslist]

At the same time, I also get the satisfaction of being a part of a very small and elite group of overenthusiastic Nishiki owners:

As for the Faggin, not only is it satisfying to resurrect an old bike you’ve had for years, but it’s not one of those Italian names everyone fawns over just because they’re supposed to, like Colnago, or Pinarello, or De Rosa, or even Pegorini–I mean Pegoretti:

Speaking of stuff that’s not snooty, further to Friday’s post, astute readers noted that Mountain Bike Action apparently revealed “The Shocking Truth!” about the Ozark Trail mountain bike from Walmart:

Here’s the bike, which Walmart sells for $398:

Now, I may be an urban sophisticate with a fleet of exotic bicycles in metrosexual hues, but I’ve never been one to sneer at the big-box shopper. For example, when the Smugerati were making fun of Target bikes, I pointed out how short-sighted and patronizing that was. I’ve also never shied from a bargain, and in 2019 I rode L’Eroica California on a cheap-ass road bike from Chain Reaction which I had shipped right to my hotel before the ride:

The bike was $323.99 and still came in at under $400 even after the shipping costs:

The bike was great, and I had no problem hanging with the pack of hotshot gravel influencers I was staying with in a media house. Here I am bringing up the rear:

That’s Gus Morton, Lachlan Morton’s brother, on the left:

As the one person without a fancy bike or a suntan, they treated me as though I was a Walmart bike that had taken human form.

Anyway, given my experience with that road bike, I suspected THE SHOCKING TRUTH! about the Walmart mountain bike was that it was just fine, and this video seems to confirm that this is indeed the case:

In fact the reviewer’s only real issue with it was the quality of the fork:

I know I’m supposed to be happy that Mountain Bike Action is acknowledging a cheap bike from Walmart can be good, but I’m mostly just angry that they didn’t point out that it would even be better–and probably cheaper–if they didn’t bother with the stupid suspension fork. Like not a better suspension fork, but no suspension fork at all. I mean why do you need a suspension fork to do this?

Then again, I’m sure that in 2024 it’s absolutely impossible to sell a mountain bike without a suspension fork, even in Walmart, and so you wind up paying more for a clunky suspension fork that actually makes the bike worse–a phenomenon I’ve also written about before.

Of course the industry has since addressed the problem it created by selling offroad-capable bikes with crappy suspension forks by inventing a new type of offroad-capable bike you’re allowed to ride without a suspension fork (well, at least for now, anyway). This new type of bicycle is called a “gravel bike,” and since at least 2022 you can also get those inexpensively at Walmart:

Like the Ozark Trail, it seems to get pretty decent reviews online, though if you’re willing to spend a little more Walmart will give you Head:

I’m genuinely fascinated by the Campy-ish L-Twoo shifters:

I may have to get a pair for the Faggin:

And if you’re one of those contrarian types who think gravel bikes are just how the industry gets you to overpay for a cyclocross bike, well guess what? Walmart will sell you a cyclocross bike too:

If you’re wondering, the answer is yes, you can ride it at your next UCI event:

Someone at “Schwinn” is reading the UCI rule book.

And while everyone knows about Allied, it looks like you can now even get crabon bikes with GRX directly from Walmart–or at least directly from Walmart’s website (though I guess the company also sells them directly):

Not to mention a road bike–with rim brakes!

Just as all mountain bikes must have suspension forks, soon all bicycles of any type will have to be made of crabon. And if even the Walmart offerings fully crabonify then maybe we’ll get to a weird inversion point where the boutique steel bikes from independent companies will cost less than the Walmart bikes.

Maybe there is hope for the future.