How To Break Up With Someone, Even If They Think You’re The One

There are times when you somehow just know which decision to make, and then there are times when you can’t decipher your own feelings. Either way—breaking up is famously hard to do.

“Breaking up with a romantic partner can be emotionally traumatizing,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Annalyse Lucero, MS, LMFT, LSAA. “Your lives are enmeshed in many ways.”

In both short-term and long-term relationships, we tend to put a lot of thought into break-ups, says licensed therapist Maria Sosa, M.S., MFT. No one wants to be seen as “the bad guy,” after all.

Once trust has broken down within a relationship, it can be hard (but not impossible) to repair your bond. It usually takes commitment from both partners to rebuild trust.

Relationships thrive when both partners are committed to creating happy moments together, whether that means going out for date night, listening to each other talk about their days, traveling together, or showing love to each other.

People often stay in relationships they no longer want to be in because they’re scared of hurting their partner’s feelings—but that hurts everyone involved.

It’s okay to want to break up with someone, even if they didn’t really do anything wrong, Lucero says.

Whether you live with your partner or not, you’ll likely need to disentangle your lives pretty quickly in the aftermath of a breakup.

There are two sides to every relationship, and it’s likely that both partners contributed to the need to break up.

You’ll want to take accountability for the breakup by speaking in “I” statements, not “you” statements, Sosa says. By focusing on your own thoughts and feelings, you’re able to play less of a blame game and better explain your reasons for breaking up.

For example, you could say “I don’t think this is a good fit for me anymore” as opposed to “You’re not a good person for me.” If you’re breaking up over a specific reason, try saying something like, “I was really hurt and I don’t know how I can rebuild trust,” or “I don’t know if I want to continue in a relationship that feels like this.'”

It may be tempting to start and finish the break-up conversation as quickly as possible, but it’s a better idea to spend as much time as necessary talking it out with your partner.

Try to avoid starting the conversation on a busy day when either or both of you expect to leave soon to do something else.

Do your emotional homework before breaking up with someone. Understanding your motivations for breaking up will help you remain strong in your decision, and help your partner face the facts.

It’s understandable to want to keep the real reasons behind the breakup to yourself to avoid potentially hurting your partner’s feelings, according to Sosa, but it’s best to be clear and honest in your explanation.

There’s a difference between compassionately explaining your reasons for ending a relationship and being cruel.

“We don’t have to tell them all the details,” Sosa says. “The general understanding of what happened and why things are ending is always really good for our mental health as opposed to leaving us with these open-ended questions, which feel like there’s a lack of closure.”

We tend to think of breakups as one-and-done conversations, but as anyone who has left a long-term relationship can tell you, they’re rarely over in one fell swoop.

The amount of time you’ve been together can indicate the number of conversations you’ll need to have about your breakup.

If you’ve been together for just a few months, you may only need to have one or two conversations about your breakup. But if you’ve been together for years, or are married, or have children together, then expect to detangle your lives and unpack your breakup over a longer period of time.

“There does seem to be a need for more conversations, more clarity, more understanding, more logistics, if you live together,” Sosa says. “It’s not just about, ‘These are my feelings.’ It’s now, ‘What do we do? How do we divide things up?’ So it isn’t so straightforward as we talked about it once and that was it and now we’ve moved on.”

On the flip side, there is such a thing as too much post-break-up communication.

“Having these conversations for weeks at a time makes it really, really hard to end the relationship,” Sosa says.

Too much talking can lead you to overthink or agonize over the break-up, she says.

Regardless of how well the break-up went, you’ll need to look after your mental and emotional health. Losing your partner—someone with whom you might have spent the majority of your time right up until the breakup—will probably cause strong feelings of grief, according to Lucero.

You might feel a confusing mixture of emotions, including sadness, shame, guilt, resentment, relief, freedom, hope, or even numbness. Give yourself compassion and time to process the breakup, then you can heal.

You probably already know the answer: it depends.

It feels natural to some people to remain friends with their ex, Lucero says, while others can’t stand the sight of their ex.

When deciding whether you want to continue being around your ex, pay close attention to your feelings. You may want to work through your breakup with a therapist to gain a better understanding of yourself and your emotions.

“There may be aspects to that relationship you miss and feel you can only find with that person. These may also be distorted thoughts that need to be challenged,” Lucero says. “Therapists are trained to help you through this process without projecting their own bias.”

There are no rules for the “perfect” breakup. Maybe you decide to stay friends with your ex and change your mind at some point—it’s up to you. Similarly, make sure to respect your ex’s decision if they want to cut off contact with you after a breakup.