Aidy Bryant Roasts Natalie Portman, Greta Lee, Calls Them “Stupid Bit**”

SNL alum Aidy Bryant made her debut as host of the Independent Spirit Awards this afternoon in a speech that dinged the strike, AI, the indie world and past boyfriends obsessed with it. Bryant confessed that she’d try and do some “classic roasting” in the room, and that resulted in her calling stars like Greta Lee and Natalie Portman a “stupid bit**”.

“From May December, Natalie Portman is here. Hey, Natalie, you stupid bitch…I know, I think I’m supposed to try to make it clever.”

Going around the room…

“Sterling K. Brown — more like Stupid K. Bitch.”

“Greta Lee is here. Greta ,you are a slob and a slut and a stupid bitch.”

Getting self-deprecating, Bryant admitted, “I’m sorry, I’m not a good roaster. Just know, though, if you’re feeling scared, I only did that to people I know, I’ve met, or I want to have sex with.”

At the top of her monologue, Bryant beamed, “Welcome to the Independent Spirt Awards, also known as the bisexual Oscars!”

In mentioning that it’s the 39th annual Indie Spirits, Bryant exclaimed, “Hope you froze your eggs, Spirit awards.”

“I know about you filmmakers because my high school boyfriend talked about you while we dry-humped.”

“I was told what a tracking shot was by the boys who penetrated me!”

More quips about the indie world:

“This is the only place in America where $29M is like no money!”

“I prefer this awards show wasn’t so fancy — this is one of the top nicest tents I’ve ever been in,” she continued in her dig at the indie world.

Nominated films were, natch, fair game as well for getting picked on.

“In Passages, a woman seduces and sleeps with a gay man, which really speaks to me, as a woman who did theater in high school.”

“Past Lives – in it, a NYU student reunites with a childhood love after years without speaking, which is weird because every NYU student I’ve ever met has never stopped speaking, especially the words, ‘I went to NYU.’ The film was so good that I tried to reconnect with my childhood boyfriend, and can you believe it? He was still a priest.”

“Anatomy of a Fall and Zone of Interest both star Sandra Hüller, and in one of the two, she maybe kills her husband. But not the Nazi husband? Just asking.”

“I also want to take a moment to acknowledge one of the biggest stars of awards season, Messi the dog from Anatomy of a Fall. His dog trainer is also my acting coach.”

“Jury Duty – a show that so indie, the star didn’t even know it was happening.”

Bryant tapped her collaborators Shrill scribe Sudi Green and sketch writer Fran Gillespie. 

The strike per reports was always going to get a reference per Bryant.

“Speaking of the strike, is everyone getting coffee with the people you ran into on the picket line?…Because you have to.”

Keeping topical, Bryant drew her attention toward AI.

“Filmmakers in the eyes of executives – “Worthless little content pigs who should be replaced by computers,” see said, “Tonight, if your acceptance speech goes long, you will be automatically 3D scanned and placed in the background of The Mandalorian.”

Culminating in getting the Spirits tent worked into a spirit, Bryant, summed, “Today, we celebrate the resilience and ingenuity of your work, and it’s so hard to get something made, not to mention, this town can be kind of harsh. That’s Hollywood, baby, but not here. In this tent, we say, ‘That’s indie, baby,’ and if you’re an actress and are wearing your own shoes in the movie, that’s indie, baby.”

“When the solidarity from the WGA, SAG, Teamsters and IATSE shows us the collective power of our labor, that’s indie, baby.”

Bryant comes from a line of SNL alums who’ve actually hosted the Spirits: Andy Samberg, John Mulaney (who was a writer on the show), and Aubery Plaza (who cut her teeth as a SNL intern).