Quarantine Quickie: Great Value Creamy Jalapeno Ranch Dip

Apologies for the photo blatantly stolen off of Walmart’s website, but the item I’m reviewing today actually inspired the whole QQ idea. I bought this on a whim a long time ago, and while I was rearranging the freezer to make room for quarantine food, I figured I’d finally make it.

Was it expired? Maybe! Was it delicious? Definitely! And it was after experiencing this unlikely delight that I looked around and realized that I had more than a couple products that weren’t necessarily new, but were new to me. Stuff I bought on a whim or a panic while stocking up, or, apparently, expired food I just have laying around.

I’m stuck inside, you’re (hopefully) stuck inside, why not mess around a little?

I have questions about Great Value Creamy Jalapeño Ranch Dip’s name and who decided this was the most fitting moniker. Grabbing it out of the depths of the freezer, I wondered why a ranch dip would need to be frozen at all. Further confusion came from the box picture, which shows tortilla chips (the fancy blue kind). Ranch dip usually calls for a potato chip. And by that I mean Ruffles. We all know it’s Ruffles.

Answers lie in the subscript description: “Ranch infused cream cheese[sic], monterey jack, jalapeños, caramelized onions, mozzarella cheese and roasted red peppers.” No wonder I bought this dip, it sounds fucking delicious. This is also the first time I’ve ever seen the phrase ranch-infused cream cheese. It’s so rare that the typo slipped past the marketing editor!

My mouth confirmed that this was a wildly mismarketed product. It’s a fantastic queso hiding in ranch clothing! As I hoovered warm, perfectly consistent cheese dip into my mouth, I wondered why it tasted so familiar. It hit me out of the blue:

I only bought this dip mix a few times because I found it difficult to mix with the cream cheese, but it made a tasty dip that’s eerily similar to this Great Value offering. And, like the GV dip, Fiesta Juan’s name is pretty misleading. In fact, while the label says “spinach artichoke”, one website’s description mysteriously lists it as “Juan’s answer to Mexican hot pepper con queso”. What is this “answer” business? Queso and spinach artichoke are two different dips, much like queso and ranch! PICK ONE! What is wrong with these brands??

Ahem. In conclusion, Great Value Creamy Jalapeño Ranch Dip is not a ranch dip, but it is a tasty queso that doesn’t have a spicy kick but has plenty of flavor to make up for it. I would go so far to call this a crowd-pleaser, if that wasn’t such an embarrassing phrase to utter.

It also comes in a very generously-sized portion, making it perfect for scooping out into your favorite dip bowl and pretending you made it. I mean, if you were going to be entertaining people. Which you certainly are not right now. Because you’re not a jerk.

• Score: 4.5 out of 5
• Purchased at: Walmart